Oh God! What is going on? I can’t breathe, I can’t stop crying. Oh God, what is going on? How? No! Surely it’s not true. Please let it be a lie. Too many emotions, I don’t even know what I’m feeling right now. Oh, God! Oh, God! Please say it’s not so. What is going on?!? How will my husband take it? Our other kids? The ministry? Not another blow to the ministry! Is there any since in us even trying? Oh, God no, please no! How can we ever trust anyone again? I thought I watched closely, made sure they all knew what could happen, what would happen. What is going on? My husband will be devastated! What will he do? How will he react? Oh, Father, Father, please protect him, he’s been through enough. The ministry has been through enough. I think my heart is broken. Yes, it’s definitely broken.
I’m empty! I’ve given all to You, Lord. I have tried, we have tried. We thought we were doing everything at least mostly right. The one thing that we thought we were doing right just got thrown in our faces. Our children. We have loved them, raised them in Your house, talked to them about Your ways, lived with what we thought were the right values. Allowed their friends into our home, into our families, into the ministry. We love and trust those who seem genuinely wanting a relationship with us in the church.
One ministry season after another it feels like were felling. I feel like every few years I’m at this place with You Lord. Seeking to know if we are in Your will. Did we really hear you tell us to pastor a church? This church? In this town? Did You really say to pray for them which despitefully use you? I feel used. Betrayed. Angry. Fed up! Yes, I’m fed up! I’m not putting us on a pedestal but I know we have lived right. No, we are not perfect. But God we genuinely love You. You! You are our God. We serve You. We believe You. We love You!
Can we keep going? Can we? Can we? Can we? I don’t feel like I can. This is too much. I don’t know if I can carry any more Lord. I don’t know if we can keep smiling while we are dying on the inside. Can we? I don’t think I want to. I mean, who do we get to talk to? Who can I go and cry to? I’m hurting! I’m hurting so bad I don’t think I can fake another “I’m wonderful”. We didn’t choose this position but we said yes to You to take it. But why don’t we, why can’t we have someone to talk to?
Do You have a will for this situation Lord? Do You have an expected end for this? I know You could not have been blindsided. What is Your will? Do we dare go on? I prayed for discernment, I believe You gave it and I believe You even gave me insight into this situation but I thought I had it under control. Deceived! Betrayed!
How do we preach and teach and tell others what Your word says when I feel like we, I am a mess? When It looks like Your word didn’t work for us. Are we hypocrites? Are we deceiving? Will the pain ever go away? Do I even care?
Well Lord, You always show Yourself faithful. You do comfort. You will take control when we allow it. Forgive me for questioning You. I know whatever is thrown our way, You are with us. You will carry us if necessary. The pain is real. I’m still dealing with trust, I’m having a hard time trusting anyone right now but I know the one I can fully trust! Every day is a step of faith. I know You called us! You called this whole family. Yes, we will have temptations, our kids are not perfect, we are not perfect but You are and we trust in You and Your plan.
The One Who Trusts in You
As the wife of a pastor, I can relate to this story. I can’t begin to recount the times I have felt alone and helpless against the world, the church, our enemy satan, and even family. There is one thing I do know, He is faithful and if I truly live for Him as a Christian and believe His word I can stand assured He will help me through the tough times. It may not be a sudden boom and everything is perfect but I know I can make it through to the other side, most of the time stronger than before the trial.
We are all human, with human emotions. Pastor’s and their families are not perfect, they are not without feelings, they are however under attack continuously. Sometimes the attack and the pain it brings ends with many quitting the ministry and their families torn apart. Please pray for one another and always pray for your Pastor’s and their families. The enemy only needs to fight for the life of the strong man and then the rest will be easy to bring down. Remember that, we are not only fighting for our lives and families but every one of our ministry members.
He that dwelleth in the secret place of the most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty. 2 I will say of the Lord, He is my refuge and my fortress: my God; in him will I trust. 3 Surely he shall deliver thee from the snare of the fowler, and from the noisome pestilence. 4 He shall cover thee with his feathers, and under his wings shalt thou trust: his truth shall be thy shield and buckler. 5 Thou shalt not be afraid for the terror by night; nor for the arrow that flieth by day; 6 Nor for the pestilence that walketh in darkness; nor for the destruction that wasteth at noonday. 7 A thousand shall fall at thy side, and ten thousand at thy right hand; but it shall not come nigh thee. 8 Only with thine eyes shalt thou behold and see the reward of the wicked. 9 Because thou hast made the Lord, which is my refuge, even the most High, thy habitation; 10 There shall no evil befall thee, neither shall any plague come nigh thy dwelling. 11 For he shall give his angels charge over thee, to keep thee in all thy ways. 12 They shall bear thee up in their hands, lest thou dash thy foot against a stone. 13 Thou shalt tread upon the lion and adder: the young lion and the dragon shalt thou trample under feet. 14 Because he hath set his love upon me, therefore will I deliver him: I will set him on high, because he hath known my name. 15 He shall call upon me, and I will answer him: I will be with him in trouble; I will deliver him, and honor him. 16 With long life will I satisfy him, and shew him my salvation.