I’VE LOST MY WAY!
I feel I have lost my way. Not as a christian or mom or wife but as a person. I’ve lost ME! Who am I? I’ve been the pastor’s wife or the kids mom for so long that I’ve lost my own identity. What do I want? Of course all the normal things, healthy, happy family, a comfortable way of life, friends, a guarantee of going to heaven. But what do I want? The me that does have a name, an identity, a future?
I have recently found a writing I did a couple of years ago that reads like this,
What are my dreams? I can’t remember, I’ve forgotten them along this journey called life. I’ve surrendered them to the job of being a wife, to motherhood, to being a servant of the church. I’ve settled for the daily task of house cleaning, errand running, and being (on call) for those who (need) me. Don’t misunderstand me, I love being a wife (I have an amazing husband), being able to actually stay home and take care of my children has been so fulfilling (until now), and working in the church is great (but I’d rather it be in real ministering in power not just words) not just doing the jobs no one else wants to do, because lets face it, no one wants any of them, I’m good with those but my real desire is to do REAL ministry (whatever that is).
My dreams? My goals in life? I feel defeated! I’m in a dry, stale time in my life and I’m not sure how to get out of it, I’ve actually been here a long time without realizing it.
Maybe this WAS my dream and now it’s mostly fulfilled and maybe I just need another dream, not that this one is finished I will always be a wife, mother, and church worker but now I need more.
I’m here in this place of wondering now because as I’m trying to begin a life (I hope) of blogging some of the courses I’m taking are making me think. Today, well and yesterdays’, and apparently Nov. 30, 2016, thoughts are what are my dreams and goal for my life. Well I DON’T KNOW anymore. I feel I have lost all confidence that I can be or do anything besides what I’ve been doing for the past 23 years. I want to prove to my family and friends (the ones I’ve told about the blog) that I can do it! Mostly to me that I can do it! I have so much to say, and I think I have so much help to give, but when I sit down to right I’m blank. I write a lot of good stuff in my head but usually during my cooking supper or cleaning house and it never gets put on paper.
Well we will see. My Big Goal for the year is to make money being successful at blogging.
I’VE GOT THIS!!!