The following story is shared with permission from the writer.
I thought I would suffocate under the pressure of the news I had just received. I was not prepared for what I heard, on the contrary, I had built up something totally different in my mind. Now I don’t know what to say or how to act, so I play it cool, then shocked and finally, I end the meeting so that I can mentally grasp what I have just heard.
No Christian is ready for this. Though it is just part of “life” in some homes it is not what you would expect or even think of in ours. Ya, growing up in my home the news would’ve been a shock but probably expected in all honesty but here, now, in Our world! No! Dear God, No!
I can’t remember when I have cried so much. Maybe the death of a close relative, no I don’t think even then. Anger and hurt are two very close emotions right now. Angry for trusting and believing in others to the point of ignoring that still small voice that is warning you. Hurt for the same reason.
Wisdom plays no part in my thinking. Between my anger and the broken heart I now have, good judgment has no place in my head. I believe I’m planning the next action wisely but I don’t give my spouse the credit they deserve and so my advice further hurts and complicates matters.
Jehovah Shalom, my peace. In this traumatic time in my life, I have no one. We have no one. We’re Christian leaders, we have discernment, we should be smarter, our kids should be perfect, we all should be above reproach. And yet here we are, heartbroken and alone. Needing to talk to someone yet not able to trust, or be vulnerable to anyone. I have one choice, we have one choice, God our Father.
And so it is, I cry, and cry, and pour out my heart to the Lord. Over and over and over again. My spouse is beyond the strong, together person everyone knows and has become a broken person overnight.
We are human but alienated. We break and bleed and mess up and are afraid and lonely. And we are alone. Would anyone care? Could they listen, on and on, and on as we vent our hurts and frustrations? Could we be angry and broken and vulnerable and yet still be loved? I know we could. For awhile. But one day we would be judged, one day it would be thrown in our faces. So again, we are alone.
The ones who know, whether involved or not agree or disagree with our decisions. They wait for an opportunity to expose or ridicule. They mock and discredit and yet they don’t understand. We have the lives of many in our hands and we have to move past the hurt and betrayal to the question, what Would Jesus do? How do we react? Ruining lives further is not the answer.
Our only hope and faith are in Jesus. We believe He has watched over and directed us. We still hurt and even cry but He only knows. He knows our pain and disappointment, He feels our hurt and brokenness. He also knows we’re holding onto Him, the author and finisher of our faith. Romans 8:28 And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.
And now again, months down the road, different scenario, different betrayal but broken and hurting just the same. Oh God, only You! How much more weight can we bare? Our shoulders are weakening, our knees are wobbling under the pressure, our hearts barely beat it seems. But we go on, we must go on. Psalm 25:1-3 Unto thee, O Lord, do I lift up my soul. O my God, I trust in thee: let me not be ashamed, let not mine enemies triumph over me. Yea, let none that wait on thee be ashamed: let them be ashamed which transgress without cause.
God IS our strength and the only way we get through life.
The words to this country song are fitting:
There are days when I can walk around like I’m alright,
And pretend to wear a smile on my face
And I could keep the pain from coming out of my eyes
But sometimes, sometimes,
Sometimes I cry
Chris Stapleton
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